: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
