I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
