I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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