you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
