3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
