You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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