i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
