Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
