There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
even my farts smell like vagina
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
