drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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