literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
