you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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