I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
