your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
