I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
