Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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