This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
