I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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