my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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