We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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