I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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