I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
