Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
