I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
