why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
