somebody snuck up and got me drunk
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just tell him i said nine months
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
