Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
