Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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