you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
did i just pee glitter
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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