i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
