I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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