shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
