oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
