whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
