Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
