Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
