Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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