When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
