meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
