Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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