Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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