Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
