I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize