I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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