guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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