I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
