It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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