is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
