He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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