Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
