If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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