Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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