I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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