True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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