some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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