if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
