Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
