Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
