i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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