Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
