I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
