Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
