Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
