I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
