The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
