Four minutes until I can fart!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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